Moments To Avoid
Although a "cool" front has supposedly come through, I'm already drenched in sweat in the 85 degree weather, as I stand there astonished at the situation I find myself in. (And while it took me 45 minutes to get ready to leave the house, we had only been gone 10 minutes by this point.)
Moriah, screaming as though her life was in jeopardy, is strapped to my cheat with a baby harness--while I stand in front of the half empty double stroller. She tends to cry if she's not being held... so when we take walks, she starts out in the stroller, until she cries, and then ends up on my chest in the baby harness where she eventually calms down.
Selah, completely oblivious of the annoyance of the situation, is lounging in her half of the double stroller, munching on apple slices and watching everything with casual interest.
And Bentley, who was --against my better judgement--graced with the unusual privilege of taking a walk with us, had just pooped a stinky one right in the center of the new neighbor's freshly mowed lawn. The grass was short and stiff, so the poop stayed perched right on top of the leaves, smelly and obvious for everyone to enjoy.
So, I stood there for a moment until I could calmly say, "It's moments like these that I want to avoid in the future."
Buying Into Fear
God did not give us a spirit of fear...
No, we go in mass to purchase one for $9.50 at the box office.
I'm increasingly bothered by how fear has become such big business. And people all around me are flocking to succumb to it. It used to be that a couple scary movies would come out a year, generally right around Halloween. Now it's all year round.
On top of it, the newest horror movie is so scary that people are actually getting up and walking out of it. It's a disturbing, low budget film supposedly documenting paranormal events, called Paranormal Activity. Reputable people are actually saying that the movie affected their lives and left them afraid.
The fact is, I believe demonic activity exists. I have learned about it, and I've learned from good sources. I simply believe that God's power and authority is far more powerful. By watching these movies and TV shows, we give them more power in our lives than they really have. We buy into the helpless paralysis of fear.
What a shame that we spend money and time getting enslaved by something that Perfect Love died to give us freedom from.
Calling
One of the things I've been praying about in my quiet time lately...
(Let me interrupt. Maybe "devotion time" would be a better term. Because, between diapers and feeding and playing and crying and more feeding and diapers... it's not always quiet, nor is it always at one time.)
I've been praying a lot about my/our calling. And yes, part of that is being a mother to my children. But part of it is also being involved in worship and missions. And while I love being at home with my children and spending this recovery time with them, I miss being involved in ministry.
During a conversation I was having with God while praying, I was asked a question that still lingers with me.
Are you pursuing your calling because you love others and want to see them healed and restored to Me? Or are you pursuing your calling for your sake?... because you like to do those things and like the way it makes you feel?
It left me really wanting to answer that question honestly. I could easily say that I want to be involved in ministry for the first reason, but would it be the whole truth? I'm not saying that it's wrong to enjoy the calling that God has given you. I'm just digging down into the depths of my motivation, to make sure that my desires aren't selfish. Perhaps my prayer focus shouldn't be "Pursuing all that God has for me." Maybe it should be "Drawing others to Christ through the gifts He's given me."
If I have more love for the calling than for the people... where does that leave me when the calling gets difficult? And more importantly, where does that leave the people that I was to reach?
Recovery Report
It's now been two weeks since Moriah's birth. I'm now nearly completely healed from the cesarean. Yesterday was my first day without help and it was good... they were certainly a handful, but it was good.Selah took yesterday to introduce me to the world of pooping in the crib. She stripped her diaper off after her nap, then pooped and peeped in the crib. Thankfully, she didn't scoop it up and write on the wall. Instead, she sat there with it all over her legs, crying, saying, "Eeewwww, nast!! Eeeewww, nast!!!" (Her way of saying "Eww, nasty!")
Moriah sleeps, eats, poops, pees, cries every once in a while... then does it all over again. She's up every two hours, so I'm not sleeping well at nights yet. It will come with time.
Selah had her hair cut because she's been breaking it off during her sleep. I cried when I cut it, but it looks really adorable.This birth was much less traumatic for me than the first. Oh, it was certainly not pleasant. But the process was so much quicker than the first time. We arrived at the hospital at about 4:30am on Monday the 28th because I was beginning to go into labor. Just over four hours later, we had a baby and were on our way to resting in our room.
I'm so grateful for this experience. It's helped me realize that c-sections really are a blessing. I don't feel nearly as defeated this time. The difficult part of recovery was over in a few days. I'm bonding much easier with Moriah than I did with Selah. They didn't like each other very well at first , but the two of them are finally doing well together.
Kenneth sent me on a treat to have my hair done last week. It feels great to be getting heading back towards feeling myself again. I'm still in the recovery haze of a sleep deprived new mother, but I'm so happy to have her in my arms instead of my belly. And I'm so looking forward to the new season we are walking into.Moriah Grace Born!
Monday morning, 9-28-09, at 8:42am. She came earlier than her 2pm scheduled c-section. 7 pounds, 4 ounces, 21 inches long. Absolutely perfect. Click on the photo to see more pictures of her.
Signing Out
Looks like this Monday will be the day Moriah comes into the world, so I will be taking a short break from the electronic world for a while. Be back in a week or two with photos and updates. Thanks for your prayers and support!
Embracing Helplessness
I've been processing through something for a few weeks now. I'm about to give birth to our second child. The birth of the first child was very long, complicated, and traumatic for me. As I prepare myself to do it again, I find myself weeping uncontrollably. In the shower, in the kitchen, in the bed, anywhere. And it's not happy cry.
Don't get me wrong... our daughter is far beyond worth it, and this precious child is as well. But I find myself surprised with the amount of dread I have toward this upcoming cesarean. The violent shaking, the helplessness, the piercing pain after wards... the knowing that I wasn't capable of getting her out the regular way. It overwhelms me sometimes and I realize that things that I had thought were dealt with feel as fresh as a warm, bloody cut in my mind.
At the same time, I sense such strength and peace in our house right now. And it serves to remind me that, honestly... I am helpless to save myself--or anyone else. And though I have been through violent shaking in my life, I have walked away from it stronger. And pain has only served to soften me and give me a heart of compassion. God was with me through it all. He was the Deliverer. And the knowledge of His covering love, continual presence, and constant faithfulness, amazingly, serves to dissipate the dread and remind me that His good purpose is in the hardship, as well.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, (nor cesarean surgery) nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39 (NAS)
And so I find myself astonished at Him. Astonished at how completely true He and His Word are. And I embrace it.
"Father... Thank You for You... for Who You are to me, my husband, and my children. Your unwavering faithfulness, Your love-saturated sovereignty, Your personal conversation and relationship, Your complete peace amidst uncertainty. Thank You, Father, for the presence You have placed in this house and in and around our marriage. Thank You for the deep inner conviction I have (from You) that You will walk through everything with us, that You will never leave, that Your love overcomes all."
