Excited... tired. Anticipating... drudging. Drive... on cruise control. I have a strange mix of emotions right now. We moved here a year and a half ago to help plant a church. It has been quite a journey of wilderness and valleys... of growth and change. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon... the colors I have changed. Or is it the layers that have been peeled?.... like an onion. A rotten onion. One that needs it's flesh cut off till you get to the heart of it. That's tough love, right there. A God that will say, "Darling, I'm really not as concerned about your flesh as I am your soul. I know that's upsetting... but you stink right now."
The church has moved again. This is our fourth--and probably our best--move yet. We're meeting in an Elementary School auditorium. It's new and big and beautiful. The theater was nice, but this is much more ideal. And I'm leading worship again. We had a Worship Pastor with us for a few months, but he left a month or so ago. (Probably cuz I smell like a rotten onion. Ha!) So now I'm leading again. It just occured to me the other day that this is one of my roles--at least for now... and I might as well start acting like it. Stop trying to wait for someone else to come along and embrace it. I was called to worship... so worship. I'm a leader... so lead.
All of this has left me mixed. It's strange to say. I guess the last group of months have felt like falling to the bottom of the barrel... (or perhaps wandering around in circles down there.) When I was falling, all I saw was the darkness at the bottom, and I clung to hope as though my life depended upon it. Now I stand at the bottom, wondering if it's possible to get emptier (probably), looking up at the light shining down. All I see now is joy, life, rebirth, growth, restoration--oh, what a spectacular word!--and strength. It's right there... it's tangible--in fact it's here. And I stand at the bottom, not surprised... but sort of dumbfounded. Like someone who's just been handed keys to their cell and they just stare at them, dazed.
This church will do everything God said it would. And I will get to see it. In fact it's already starting. A young woman in our church said with tears the other day that our church feels more like a real, loving family than her birth family ever has. Half the leadership team broke down crying at that statement. Because we are finally becoming who God wants us to be.
"The difference between where you are and where God wants you to be is the pain you refuse to endure." ~Craig Groeschel
I have stopped refusing.