I've been processing through something for a few weeks now. I'm about to give birth to our second child. The birth of the first child was very long, complicated, and traumatic for me. As I prepare myself to do it again, I find myself weeping uncontrollably. In the shower, in the kitchen, in the bed, anywhere. And it's not happy cry.
Don't get me wrong... our daughter is far beyond worth it, and this precious child is as well. But I find myself surprised with the amount of dread I have toward this upcoming cesarean. The violent shaking, the helplessness, the piercing pain after wards... the knowing that I wasn't capable of getting her out the regular way. It overwhelms me sometimes and I realize that things that I had thought were dealt with feel as fresh as a warm, bloody cut in my mind.
At the same time, I sense such strength and peace in our house right now. And it serves to remind me that, honestly... I am helpless to save myself--or anyone else. And though I have been through violent shaking in my life, I have walked away from it stronger. And pain has only served to soften me and give me a heart of compassion. God was with me through it all. He was the Deliverer. And the knowledge of His covering love, continual presence, and constant faithfulness, amazingly, serves to dissipate the dread and remind me that His good purpose is in the hardship, as well.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, (nor cesarean surgery) nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39 (NAS)
And so I find myself astonished at Him. Astonished at how completely true He and His Word are. And I embrace it.
"Father... Thank You for You... for Who You are to me, my husband, and my children. Your unwavering faithfulness, Your love-saturated sovereignty, Your personal conversation and relationship, Your complete peace amidst uncertainty. Thank You, Father, for the presence You have placed in this house and in and around our marriage. Thank You for the deep inner conviction I have (from You) that You will walk through everything with us, that You will never leave, that Your love overcomes all."