A bead of sweat is slowly winding it's way past my left eye and down toward my ear as I try to wrestle nine month old baby Moriah on my lap in one of the smallest airplane seats that was ever created.
She thinks we're on a roller coaster ride and so screams with delight at anyone who will make eye contact. Then she lunges at nearby passengers, thinking their hair is free game to grab. I am praying that she'll go to sleep so I can make it through this 3 hour and 45 minute flight.
By the time I got settled into our narrow seat and pulled Moriah out of the chest harness I was carrying her in, I found that her pee had been squeezed out of her diaper and her pants were soaked. But we were about to take off, so I couldn't get back to the lavatory to change her. Great. Nothing like holding a pee-soaked baby booty on your lap. I hoped that those around us thought that the smell was just a funky new perfume.
So, there we are... waiting until we reach our cruising altitude so I can go change her diaper. She's having a blast. My arms are aching. But I can't help smiling at how giggly she is. Then she farts. Great. More "perfume". Oh well. :)
Ten minutes later, I'm preparing to go to the lavatory and a thought dawns on me. What if that fart was actually poop? I push her away from my chest where she had been sitting, so I can look down her back and into her diaper. I didn't have to go far. Soupy, neon yellow-green poop had been liberally spread all down the front of my shirt, all across the seat belt, on both of my thighs, and all up and down the back of her shirt and pants. Fresh aroma slapped my nostrils as terror spread across my face. (I couldn't see it, but I know it was there.)
Moriah was trying to jump on my lap as I frantically wrapped my baby blanket around her body to keep the offending ooze from attacking anyone else. Then we dash to the lavatory where I changed her on top of the toilet and put away all the smelly clothes. It took a good 10 minutes to clean us both, but we survived. Thankfully, the effort of expelling such noxious "perfume" must have worn her out because she slept the rest of the way.
All I can say is... Thank God for wet wipes. And I feel sorry for the next person who has to use the seat belt in 33C.