Yesterday, Valentine's Day, we lost our little baby.
Our doctor wanted me to go to the hospital for another round of blood tests and another sonogram after the first one last week showed no heart activity. We prayed for life and for God's perfect will. Again, there was no heart activity. No heat, no blood flow. And the baby measured about 8 weeks and 1 day, when he should have measured about 9 weeks and 5 days. He probably died on or around February 4th. The Sonographer, who had lost 6 (count them, SIX) herself to miscarriage was kind enough to tell me and show me details before calling my doctor. They performed a D&C and Kenneth took me home...loopy from the anesthesia, but in no physical pain.
I say "him" because I felt like the baby was a little boy. And I say we "lost" him because that's what it feels like. But I know God is good and loving and He was protecting our little one every second...He carried him to safety. This little boy was never truly mine, nor was he ever lost. But while he may have passed away on the 4th, in my mind and heart, he was alive until that second sonogram showed me otherwise. So, it does feel like I laid my little son to rest on Valentine's Day.
On one hand, I am so grateful for God's love and protection...I trust Him and know that this is okay, all is well. He is personally orchestrating our beautiful story. On the other hand, I am surprised by how much I wanted this child, how much you can love someone you've never met, and just how emotional I am.
I want to be like David, who, after praying and interceding for health for his child and then hearing that his child died, accepted God's plan, got up, changed his mourning clothes and ate. But I find that my emotions are deep, confusing, and come in overwhelming, crashing waves. My whole face is swollen from crying. I don't quite know how to balance my trust in God and my disappointment in loss...how to balance being content and restful in God's loving, guiding arms...and being terribly disappointed and saddened by a lost that--astoundingly--I hadn't know that I wanted so much. Right now, the unintentional swing from one to the other and back again, over and over, is leaving me in quite a case of emotional whiplash.
Thank the Lord that He loves us and that He is the great comforter. And thanks for your love support. This is just another beautiful, even though painful, memory in the journey. The adventure continues. :)