Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Our Valentine Baby

Yesterday, Valentine's Day, we lost our little baby.

Our doctor wanted me to go to the hospital for another round of blood tests and another sonogram after the first one last week showed no heart activity. We prayed for life and for God's perfect will. Again, there was no heart activity. No heat, no blood flow. And the baby measured about 8 weeks and 1 day, when he should have measured about 9 weeks and 5 days. He probably died on or around February 4th. The Sonographer, who had lost 6 (count them, SIX) herself to miscarriage was kind enough to tell me and show me details before calling my doctor. They performed a D&C and Kenneth took me home...loopy from the anesthesia, but in no physical pain.

I say "him" because I felt like the baby was a little boy. And I say we "lost" him because that's what it feels like. But I know God is good and loving and He was protecting our little one every second...He carried him to safety. This little boy was never truly mine, nor was he ever lost. But while he may have passed away on the 4th, in my mind and heart, he was alive until that second sonogram showed me otherwise. So, it does feel like I laid my little son to rest on Valentine's Day.

On one hand, I am so grateful for God's love and protection...I trust Him and know that this is okay, all is well. He is personally orchestrating our beautiful story. On the other hand, I am surprised by how much I wanted this child, how much you can love someone you've never met, and just how emotional I am.

I want to be like David, who, after praying and interceding for health for his child and then hearing that his child died, accepted God's plan, got up, changed his mourning clothes and ate. But I find that my emotions are deep, confusing, and come in overwhelming, crashing waves. My whole face is swollen from crying. I don't quite know how to balance my trust in God and my disappointment in loss...how to balance being content and restful in God's loving, guiding arms...and being terribly disappointed and saddened by a lost that--astoundingly--I hadn't know that I wanted so much. Right now, the unintentional swing from one to the other and back again, over and over, is leaving me in quite a case of emotional whiplash.

Thank the Lord that He loves us and that He is the great comforter. And thanks for your love support. This is just another beautiful, even though painful, memory in the journey. The adventure continues. :)


Cereal In My Stiletto said...

Hope, you have a gift of speaking from the depths of your heart and soul. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions. I am so sorry for yours and Kenneth's loss. No doubt that times like these God's ultimate plan seems hard to comprehend, but I am believing with you that regardless, He does have a plan. My heart goes out to you all, and I will be praying for the peace that only comes from heaven. Love you.

codi bennett said...

I’m so sad to hear about your loss, Hope. I’m at a complete loss for words as I attempt to offer sympathy. The Bennetts will be praying for the Clark family, believing He will always deliver only His best. Peace in Jesus name. Peace.

Treadmillman said...

I'm so sorry Hope, I know you were excited about the baby.


Anonymous said...

Hope I'm SO SORRY! I lost a baby between Cody & Charis; it was a hard time & I still think about that baby. We live in an imperfect world, but there will be more children "until your quiver is full". Peace be on you two.
Love you! Gina

Hope R. Clark said...

Thanks so much everyone. It's good to have friends and family that care. :)

Thanks...the more I mature, the more I love raw honesty. There's something very freeing about saying exactly how it is.

Thanks so much...I will take that peace and more of it. :)

Yes. I was. And oddly, I'm still thankful for having been able to carry him, even if it was so briefly.

Thank you! You're right...He determines the "quiver size". May God direct our footsteps! :)